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I feel so horrible and depressed because I have to break up with Joe. I can't be with him anymore. I feel really bad :( Horrible actually. I cried at Grandmas house. Ugh, I hope he's going to be okay...

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Yesterday I contacted a coven that is based in Hicksville, Long Island. They are an Alexandrian coven. I've been wanting to ether practice with a Gardenarian or Alexandrian coven for a while now. Being a solitary is kind of lonesome. All of this is scary for me. I know I want to practice wicca and share it with other people but I have a hard time trusting people. I just want to see what this coven is about and do some research on it.

I was surprised in the English class on Monday that people didn't find me weird when they asked me about my sexual orientation. This girl who is quite nosey and loves to ask me personal questions asked me what my sexual orientation is. I felt no need to lie and told her pansexual. The group I was in just nodded and seemed like they were curious and toletant, especially Jonas. That kid is so strange. The nosey girl, I think her name is Adriana, told me that Jonas really "liked me" but pretends me doesn't because he knows I have a boyfriend I love. I sometimes picture myself with Jonas but he just seems like he has too many issues. Like me.

Yesterday I stayed over Gab's house for the night and we watched a YouTube video on child birth. I told her that would never be me but she insists I will have a child one day. I can not handle a child. I am way too fucked up and crazy to have a child. I honestly think I would give a child a horrible life though many disagree with me. My sister thinks I'll be a great mother though overprotective. I know that's the truth, I would be overprotective. But i'm too unstable.

Tomorrow is the English final. I didn't study but I'll study tonight after I'm done procrastinating. And then hopefully I go right to Groundswell to drop off that stuid check so I can get a new one so I can FINALLY buy my sister an ipod nano. I guess she deserves it.

Yule is coming. I have to plan a ritual.

When I write all these things about myself, I feel crazier then I am. Am I this nuts? Am I in a path of destruction? My aunt tends to think so. If my fathers side of the family ever knew the real me, they would never speak to me again. A wiccan pansexual freak...that's what they would think. I think my aunt suspects, she is sometimes mean to me at family gathers and gives me  a certain look. I've been hiding my tattoo from them and my father for a year too....if they ever found out. When I was 16 and got my nose pierced, my aunt yelled at my and said cutting myself was parallel to getting my nose pierced. Maybe they are the crazy people...

I feel like shit about myself.
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